


There, There

by jaciesaur



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 02:24:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaciesaur/pseuds/jaciesaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is still trying to adjust to being human, to the desire to feel included.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There, There

“Cas, you’re… just move a little to the left, okay?” Dean’s gruff voice made him turn a little, attempting to see  _why_  he should move. The television was off, and there was a book open on the table in front of Dean. “You’re… you’re just blocking the light, that’s all.”  
  
“…oh.” Castiel took a few steps to the left before sitting on the couch. He wasn’t used to any of this. It felt weird, alien, to him. Sometimes he had to  _remember_  to breathe, to  _eat_. He shifted a little on the couch and looked at the Winchesters, looking through their books with serious faces, throwing ideas at each other now and then.  
On some hunt or another.  
  
He’d become so much less  _important_ now. He couldn’t come and go, his wings were gone, and his grace was absent. He couldn’t call to mind some of the more obscure things he’d once known. He didn’t have his angel blade.  
He was as human, as mortal, as anyone else around here.  
 _So are all of my brothers and sisters._  
  
A hollow reminder of despair settled in his gut at the memory of that night. The raining down of the angels, bright and on fire as their wings burnt up in the atmosphere.  
 _Because of me._  
  
“Well, we could always just do a rain dance, see if that works.” Dean threw out to his brother with a little chuckle. Sam laughed too, shaking his head a little.  
Castiel didn’t understand it.  
Any of it.  
He didn’t laugh at the joke. He just sat quietly.  
  
It had been a few months, and while they were working their asses off to figure out how to unlock Heaven, they had other jobs to do. The Winchesters had their  _normal_  job… hunting things. The family business. Castiel did his best to help, but he wasn’t fantastic with a gun (human muscles and bones jerk so easily with the recoil of a gun!), and he was much slower than he’d been in his prime.  
It  _frustrated_  him.  
  
And not to mention the  _people_  part of the job. He floundered through interviews, attempting to be as suave as Sam and Dean, but, more than once, he tended to flip his badge open the wrong way, ask an awkward question, stumble over his words.  
He’d never needed to be that great at lying before.  
  
He watched the men work across the room until Sam’s stomach growled. The taller man stood up from the table, grabbing the keys, “I’m gonna get some food. Burgers sound okay?”  
“Sounds fine to me.” Dean nodded and moved to close his book for now.  
  
Sam walked out of the room and closed the door leading outside behind him. The roar of the Impala could be heard through the walls, and Castiel listened to it pull out and drive away.  
  
“Hey. Cas. You feelin’ okay?”  
  
He looked up at Dean and shrugged. “I’m sorry I don’t laugh at the right times. I’m sorry that I wake you up all the time to apologize for stupid things I can’t get off my mind that I screwed up during the day.” He scratched his head a little.  
  
Dean’s brows furrowed. “What… why’re you apologizing?”  
  
“Dean. Don’t handle me like I’m some fine china.” Castiel huffed quietly, raking his hands through his hair. “I know it’s not  _easy_  hauling an ex-angel around with you. I can’t hold up in a fight-“  
  
“Sure you can-“  
  
“Barely, Dean.” Castiel shook his head and pushed off of the couch. He had been frustrated for months now, ever since the night of The Fall, and finally, all of the frustration was done being pent up. He was letting it out. “I know how it seems… you take me in public and I’m always singing to myself. I lived my whole life singing the Lord’s praises, hearing music and songs in everything, and now I  _can’t hear them_ , Dean. I can’t hear the beauty of nature anymore. I can  _see_  it, but it’s almost like it’s through a fog. I… I’m always talking to myself, and when I try to talk to other people, I stumble over my words and make a fool out of all of us.” He paced back and forth, back and forth, in front of Dean, his hands moving wildly.  
A human habit he’d picked up.  
Maybe it had been one of Jimmy’s, before Jimmy had vacated the vessel.  
  
“I just sit here and stare off into nothing, lost in my head. I’m always trying to think of how it  _used_  to be, and how… how I can  _fix_  this, because all of my brothers and sisters must feel the same way as I do now. And it must me so  _terrible_  for them, because  ** _they don’t deserve this_** , Dean.” Something in his gut twisted painfully at the reminder of guilt.  
  
“And what you said, about the rain dance! That was probably really funny! And I didn’t… even know to laugh. I don’t laugh at the right times. I’m not  _good_  at being a human! Is this how it feels? Lost and confused and scared?” He stopped pacing for a short moment, looking at Dean, his hands hanging at his sides for a moment.  
  
“…and… and I don’t know how to  _express_  these feelings. None of them. I don’t know how to put them to words. Not anymore. They had words for how I feel in Enochian, but I can’t  _remember_  any Enochian anymore… I can’t remember the translations for words for English, I can hardly remember sigils…” He moved to drag his hands over his face and start pacing again. “It’s like I have… my heart on this string and it’s hanging from a window…  _no_ , that’s not even it…” He sighed in frustration.  
  
“Is this how it feels to have your wings clipped?” He turned to look at Dean, who had been silent since he’d been cut off. “I’m awkward and nervous…” He shook his head, and his big blue eyes looked so sad and… scared?  
  
Dean sighed, pushed up from his chair, and put his hands on Castiel’s shoulders. “You wanna know why I’m so good at being human?” Castiel nodded wordlessly. “I’ve had thirty-four years of practice.” His green eyes moved to look into Castiel’s. “You’ll get it, Cas. I know you will. You’re a smart cookie… it’s just gonna take some time, okay?”  
  
Castiel frowned a little, looking at Dean for a minute silently before giving the man a small nod. The stood there like that for a bit before Dean took his hands back and moved to sit in his chair again. Castiel stood where he was, shuffling a little.  
“…Thanks, Dean.”  
  
Dean just gave a small nod, mostly just a tip of his head, as he moved to put his feet on the table. “Any time, Cas.”


End file.
